Harry Potter HBP: the Musical
by LuckyRatTail
Summary: Exactly what the title says. The Half Blood Prince told in a totally different way... Might be a tad bizarre for some, so let me know what you think.
1. The Conference

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince: _the Musical_

Set to various tunes, which will be noted at the top of each chapter.

Author's Note: I do not own any of the central characters, or indeed the story, they all belong to J. K. Rowling. Neither do I own the songs to which this fic is parodied.

**The Conference**

In a desperate attempt to warn wizards of the dangers of Voldemort's return, the Ministry of Magic held a press conference, and despite initial reservations, Harry decided to take this opportunity to send a warning out to the public.

The lights dimmed at the back of the jam-packed room as silence fell, the reporters all holding their quills poised over pieces of rustling parchment. New Minister for Magic, Rufus Scrimgeour, stepped up to the stage. He gave a feeble cough to clear his throat as a spotlight fell on his bristling mane of hair, and the band striked up the introduction to _Staying Alive _by the Bee Gees…

(Scrimgeour)

Well, there's a kind-of-new threat in the wizard domain,

It's Voldemort - he's back again.

We need that hero that the Prophecy said

Would fill old You-Know-You with dread.

But there's curses here, curses there -

People possessed everywhere.

Only one thing we can do -

Call up Potter and his crew.

(Ministry wizards)

Pray you don't die and hold your wand high

You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.

Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin'

But we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.

Ah, ha, ha, ha stayin' alive, stayin' alive

Ah, ha, ha, ha stayin' alive.

(Harry)

Well now, I have been through hell and scorn

I've been kicked around since I was born,

But before "the chosen one" was my name

It was staying alive that brought me my fame.

Well, you may have doubted him before,

But I'm still loyal to Dumbledore,

With his help, we can win

We'll beat Voldemort again!

(all)

Pray you don't die and hold your wand high

You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.

Abracadabra won't beat Avada Kedavra

But we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.

Ah, ha, ha, ha stayin' alive, stayin' alive

Ah, ha, ha, ha stayin' alive.

(Scrimgeour)

We're getting nowhere, Voldy's still out there

Somebody help us, yeah.

(Ministry wizards)

You could meet a disguised Death Eater

Got to get out of here!

(Scrimgeour)

Well, when you get home, and you see that mark

You're a dead man: and it all goes dark.

Potter, get your act together, lad,

'Cause you're the only chance we have.

(Ministry wizards)

It's not alright, it's not ok,

We can't look the other way.

You will fight, you can win

You'll beat Voldemort again!

(all)

Pray you don't die and hold your wand high

You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.

Abracadabra won't beat Avada Kedavra

But we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.

Ah, ha, ha, ha stayin' alive, stayin' alive

Ah, ha, ha, ha stayin' alive.

We're getting nowhere, Voldy's still out there

Somebody help us, yeah.

We'll hold our wands high, pray we don't die.

Trying to stay alive…

As the song faded into conclusion, the reporters finished their scribbling and raisesd their heads, each displaying an expression of puzzlement and fear. They flicked up the collars of their trench robes and tipped their hats at the doorman, whispering as one, "Voldemort is truly back, the light of the future has turned black…"


	2. At the Burrow

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the central characters, or indeed the story, they all belong to J. K. Rowling. Neither do I own the songs to which this fic is parodied.

Author's Note: the words in this fic may not _exactly_ fit the syllables sung in the original version, they are just designed to fit the general tune.

**At the Burrow**

_The song in this fic is set to the tune of "Evil Woman" by the Electric Light Orchestra._

And so the brave Harry Potter retired to his friend, Ron Weasley's, house, affectionately known as 'the Burrow'. Here he was greeted by Ron's mother, Molly, who treats him to a bowl of soup and a big hug.

"Everything will be alright," she whispered, but the look on the face of Auror, Tonks', face told Harry otherwise. Slumped over the kitchen table, her countenance one of utter remorse, the metamorphmagus made excuses as soon as Harry appears, then left.

Troubled, Harry attempted to spend his first night sleeping, but instead ended up worrying about the effect that his performance will have had on the wizarding world. He couldn't seem to shake the feeling that everything was going to get a whole lot worse, and the very next day, it did…

(Hermione)

Wake up, Harry, we've got news.

We want to know what you've been up to.

Can't wait until our O.W.L.s

I just know I mucked up every spell…

(Ron)

Don't talk about exams anymore!

So, Harry, where'd you go with Dumbledore?

(Harry)

Quiet, quiet, you two! Let me catch my breath.

Is that Ginny? She looks stressed…

(Ginny)

Oh, that evil woman!

(Harry, Ron, Hermione)

What evil woman?

(Ginny)

That evil woman… she's not even human.

She talks to me like I'm eight years old,

Well, I'm not doing anything I'm told.

He's a fool for being with her now,

I couldn't stand to love that stupid cow!

(Harry)

What, what, Ginny you can't mean your mother?

(Ginny)

No, the one that's marrying my brother.

So wrong that she's even here,

Excess of phlegm if you get too near.

(Ron)

Hey, hey, hey…

(Ginny)

That evil woman!

(Harry)

What evil woman?

(Ginny)

Fleur Delacore!

(Hermione)

Such an evil woman…

(Ginny)

I can't stand her anymore!

During the musical interlude, Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny exchanged a few words about what 's been going on. Harry tried to hush up his meeting with Dumbledore in front of Ginny, and consequently they stumbled upon the topic of Tonks and her recent dive into depression. Before long, however, Mrs Weasley came in to drop off some laundry, and requested that Ginny join her again.

"Come on, Ginny, back downstairs."

"But, mum - _she's_ there!"

"Who?"

And just as the chorus kicked back in, who should waltz through the door…

(Fleur)

My darling, Harry!

Bill and I are going to marry!

So nice to see you, Harry,

(Ginny)

Run out of rhymes, have we?

(Ron)

Oooh, wahhh, marry me…

(Ginny)

That evil woman, so glad she's gone.

Now I can carry on with this song.

Oh no, how tragic - she'll be my sis.

How did it ever come to this?

No way on earth she deserves him,

Surely he's too smart to be taken in?

Oh no, how tragic - she's going to stay.

I'd rather it was Tonks any day.

Oh, oh, oh

That evil woman.

She's an evil woman.

E-evil woman.

(Hermione)

Such an evil woman.

(Ginny)

E-evil woman…

As Mrs Weasley called her again from downstairs, Ginny continued to sing while making her way out of the room, the sound gradually fading as she reached the kitchen. Hermione tutted, then went to investigate some boxes lying at the back of the room, while Harry and Ron looked at each other and shrugged.


	3. The Train Ride

**Thank you very much to all those who reviewed. **

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the central characters, or indeed the story, they all belong to J. K. Rowling. Neither do I own the songs to which this fic is parodied

Author's Note: The first song parodied in this fic (_Pop Muzik_ by M) is ridiculously long, so I have only used half of it. The second song parodied in this fic is _Creep_ by Radiohead, though to make it even funnier, sing the lyrics along to the G4 version (this would mean singing the last verse over the penultimate chorus).

**The Train Ride**

The next few days were rather uneventful for Harry Potter and his friends, until, that is, they decided to take a trip into Diagon Alley. Harry was thrilled to visit the joke shop of Ron's elder twin brothers, Fred and George, which was full to the brim with delightful and fascinating treats. However, their afternoon was somewhat marred when Harry spotted Draco Malfoy, one of his least favourite people at Hogwarts, walking up the high street on his own.

Curious, Harry, Hermione and Ron decide to follow him to Borgin and Burkes, where Draco was heard to request something to be repaired. Unfortunately, the terrific trio were unable to uncover any further details, and they returned home to pack for Hogwarts with permanent frowns.

The parting at the train station was a tearful one for all, as Harry, Hermione, Ron and Ginny were unwilling to leave the Burrow in this turbulent time. For Harry, however, a surprise awaited once he had settled into a compartment with friends Neville and Luna. An invitation arrived for lunch for Harry and Neville from Professor Slughorn, a rather round old fellow that Harry met on his night out with Dumbledore, and who Harry presumed was going to be his new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher.

Hesitant but curious, Harry and Neville headed out around lunch time to find Professor Slughorn. As they approached the door to the compartment, however, they heard those typically 80's drum beats and jazzy baseline starting up…

(Slughorn)

Come on in, Harry

We'll have a little party

Let me introduce you

To some friends of mine.

Have a look around then have a sit down

There's plenty of gourmet food to go round.

Talk about - nobility

Talk about - society

Talk about - reputation

Talk about - estimation

Top top top culture

Top top top culture

(the Slug Club)

Shoo-be-doo-be-doo-wop

(Slughorn)

Really good to see you

(the Slug Club)

Bop-bop-shoo-wop

(Slughorn)

Let me introduce you:

(the Slug Club)

Shoo-be-doo-be-doo-wop

(Slughorn)

Blaise Zabini

(the Slug Club)

Bop-bop-shoo-wop

(Slughorn)

And Marcus Belby

Cormac, Neville, Harry, Ginny

Everybody talk about - nobility!

Talk about - notoriety

Talk about - society

(the Slug Club)

Top top top culture

Top top top culture

(Slughorn)

Sitting in the subway -

Never in my day!

You want to aim high,

And you'll hit the headlines.

You want to be a big top

Won't be a top flop

Eeny, meeny, miny, mo

This is where you want to go.

Talk about - society

Talk about - notoriety

(the Slug Club)

Shoo-be-doo-be-doo-wop

(Slughorn)

Ooh, that's nice

(the Slug Club)

Bop-bop-shoo-wop

(Slughorn)

Pass another slice.

(the Slug Club)

Shoo-be-doo-be-doo-wop

(Slughorn)

Ooh, that's fine

(the Slug Club)

Bop-bop-shoo-wop

(Slughorn)

One more time -

Hit it!

Now, you know what I'm saying…

Talk about - reputation

Talk about - estimation

(the Slug Club)

Top top top culture

Top top top culture

(Slughorn)

Everyone here

(the Slug Club)

Top top top culture

(Slughorn)

Loud and clear

(the Slug Club)

Top top top culture

(Slughorn)

You are the best!

(the Slug Club)

Top top top culture

(Slughorn)

Better than the rest!

Fa la, la la la la la la la…

Fa la, la la la la la…

And as Slughorn began to show signs of his alcohol limit approaching rapidly, and the tip of a saxophone poked threateningly out of one of the professor's trunks, Harry and Neville edged out of the compartment. Outside, the sky had grown dark, and so the two bemused friends made their way back to their compartment to change into their robes, both slightly fearful of the year to come.

However, on their way back through the corridor, they passed the place where Draco Malfoy and his friends were laughing and jeering. Remembering what he had seen in Diagon Alley, Harry lingered behind, waiting for his chance to spy on Malfoy. He pulled out his invisibility cloak and, upon seeing Blaise Zabini coming down the corridor towards him, ducked in behind him as he entered Malfoy's compartment.

In a swift and almost faultless movement, Harry climbed up into the luggage rack above Malfoy and his friends, giving him a perfect position for listening to their conversation. From there, he heard Malfoy boast about being given an important job to do, and make subtle references to Voldemort. Intrigued, and unable to do otherwise, Harry stayed where he was until the train pulled to a halt.

Crabbe, Goyle, Zabini and Pansy Parkinson leave the compartment, while Malfoy paused to tie a shoelace. But instead of reaching down, he reached up…

"No -"

"Pertrificous totalus!"

"I saw you, Potter! Trying to climb onto the luggage rack - I saw your shoe!"

Harry could not say a word. He was lying on the floor of Malfoy's compartment, staring straight up at the smirking boy, unable to move a muscle. And just when he thought it couldn't get any worse, there came to his ears the rolling drums of an introduction…

(Malfoy)

When I saw you here before,

Couldn't hold in all my joy,

You're just such a loser,

You pathetic little boy.

You think you're really something,

You and all your stupid friends

You're hardly a hero,

You're just a zero.

'Cause you're a creep

You're a weirdo

What the Hell are you doing here?

You don't belong here!

And with that, Malfoy brought his boot down hard onto Harry's face. There was a cracking sound, and Harry felt something hot trickle over his cheek. Malfoy laughed, and, even worse, carried on…

I don't care if that hurts.

Now I'm in control.

I've got the perfect blood-line

I've got the perfect soul.

I want you to notice,

You and all your stupid friends,

You'll never be better

You just get wetter!

Because you stink,

You're just a half-blood

What the Hell are you doing here?

You don't belong here!

Malfoy gave out one last cackle, then threw Harry's invisibility cloak over him. "See you next year, Potter!" he snarled, then dashed out of the compartment, slamming the door.

The lights on the train grew dim, as darkness engulfed his prison. In desperation, Harry began to sing inside his head…

(Harry)

He's running out the door,

He's running

He's run, run, run, run

I wish someone would find me.

I don't want to be alone.

Malfoy, you're a tosser

A git and a tosser.

Woah, woah

'Cause you're the creep

You're the weirdo

I wish you weren't there

You and your stupid hair.

You don't belong there.

Harry wished he could close his eyes in a wistful manner, but was prevented from doing so by the curse placed upon him. Instead he stared upwards as though contemplating his fate.

Suddenly he heard a rattling sound advancing down the corridor, and a moment later, the door to the compartment was thrown open. Tonks, looking as miserable as ever, was standing in the doorway. She took three steps forward, bent down, then pulled off Harry's invisibility cloak.

"Harry, thank goodness, I thought you might be in here. Been up to your old tricks again, have you?"

Relieved to be released from the hex, Harry nodded, wiping the blood from his face with a shaking hand. _If anything good has come out of this experience, _he thought to himself as he and Tonks left the train, _at least I know I'm a better singer than Malfoy._

**You may have noticed that I have changed these chapters to the past tense rather than the present. This is just to make it easier to write. If I have forgotten to do this at any point I would greatly appreciate it if you would please let me know. **


	4. Defence Lessons

Author's Note: Sorry about the delay… enjoy!

The song in this fic is parodied to _Psycho Killer _by Talking Heads.

**Defence Lessons**

Tonks led Harry up towards the castle, her usual self apparently abandoned in favour of a more morose, miserable metamorphmagus. At the gates they encountered Snape, his hissing countenance doing nothing to lift Harry's spirits. He had always hated Snape.

Upon entering the Great Hall near the end of the feast, Harry found Ron and Hermione, and learnt from Dumbledore's speech that Slughorn would not be becoming their new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, but instead, would be their potions master. Harry scowled at the look on Snape's greasy face as Dumbledore announced the man's ascension to the teaching post that he had desired ever since entering Hogwarts. On the bright side, however, it meant that Harry and Ron could now carry on with potions, as they did not need Outstanding grades to get in.

Unfortunately this happiness did not last long. Their first lesson the very next day (after a free period which delighted Ron) was Defence Against the Dark Arts with Snape. The three of them trundled into the classroom that was so familiar under so many different guises, and sat down, readying themselves for the inevitable lecture as the bass line kicked in…

(Snape)

You all need to face up to the facts,

Forget your parchment and your candle wax.

I will teach you what it's really like

To face a person who could take your life…

Psycho killer: qu'est-ce que c'est?

Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa, Potter,

Pay close attention to what I say.

Now, now, now.

Psycho killer: qu'est-ce que c'est?

Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa, better

Keep listening if you want to stay…

A - a - a - ah

li - li - li - li - li - live!

Harry was getting a little fed up with Snape's constant jabs at him, and was determined this year to stand up for himself. He jumped to his feet:

(Harry)

You think you're so great, just because you've "been there"!

Well, so have I, but I'm not showing off!

(Snape)

What do you call this? Everyone can hear.

Think you're a hero, Potter? Just say it again…

(Harry)

Psycho killer? You've no idea…

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, you'd just

Run run run run run run run away.

(Snape)

Oh no, no.

Psycho killer? Any day…

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, better

Just watch your back, I'll have my day.

(Ron and Hermione)

Oh, no no no… ay ay ay ay ay!

The two stood back to back, neither wanting to face the other, each with thunderous expressions.

(Harry, to himself)

All that I do - he doesn't care!

(Snape, to himself)

All that I've done - he's not aware!

Everything for Dumbledore,

Changed my mind, changed my side again…

(Harry)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

They swung round to face each other, heads bowed, locked in a furious battle of lyrics.

(Snape)

You are vain and you are blind!

(Harry)

I hate people when they're not polite…

(Both)

Psycho killer? Any day!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, better

Just watch your back, 'cause I'll have my day!

(Hermione and Ron)

Oh no, no…

Psycho killers? Qu'est-ce qu'on peut faire?

(Harry)

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, you'll be

Gone from this school in a year, anyway!

(Hermione and Ron)

Oh, no no no… ay ay ay ay ay!

And as the guitar solo faded into conclusion, Harry finally resumed his place at his desk and Snape stalked back to the front of the class - neither particularly wanting to back down. The term had hardly started, and yet, somehow, Harry knew this was going to be one of the toughest years of his life…


	5. The Gaunts

Song: _Beat It_ by Michael Jackson

**The Gaunts**

Harry was relieved to discover that the detention he received from Snape, following the incident in class, had to be put back to make way for his first private lesson with Dumbledore. Harry's stomach was fluttering as he ascended the moving spiral staircase at eight o'clock on Saturday night, and found himself in the familiar, round room that was the headmaster's office.

"Come in, Harry," Dumbledore addressed him with a smile. "And sit down, please." He motioned to the desk, and Harry perched himself on the chair.

It took a few minutes for the headmaster to explain that they would be using the Pensieve to examine old memories that Dumbledore had collected, in order to form some sort of description of Voldemort's past. The first was from a man named Bob Ogden, a Ministry official, and as Harry fell through the swirling mist to land in a quiet country lane, his feeling of apprehension intensified.

They followed the stout, nervous-looking Ogden towards a tumbledown house overrun with undergrowth and crumbling to pieces. As they moved closer, Harry was shocked to see a dead snake nailed to the door.

Ogden knocked once, twice, before a man with bulging eyes and a moth-eaten frock coat threw open the door.

(Gaunt - _in Parseltongue_)

I thought I told you - you're not welcome today!

You better move along, go on, get on your way!

I don't care if the Ministry has anything to say,

So beat it, just beat it!

(Ogden)

Don't want to argue, I just want some respect!

And do you really have to use that dialect?

I can't understand anything that you've said,

So repeat it, please repeat it.

Repeat it, repeat it.

I don't want to feel defeated.

I'm here on business, not just for fun,

It's pertinent that I talk to your son.

So repeat it, repeat it.

(Gaunt - _in English_)

Fine, I'll repeat it.

But just as Bob Ogden stepped over the threshold into the Gaunt house, he was confronted with a horrible spell cast by Gaunt's son, Morfin; as he recovered, Gaunt carried the tune.

Why can't the Ministry just leave us alone?

You're always stamping all over our ancient home.

(Ogden)

It's important that we keep you all under control…

(Gaunt)

Well beat it, just beat it!

(Ogden)

Your son did magic on a Muggle last night,

The Ministry want me to come and set it right.

(Gaunt)

I don't give a damn what the Ministry'd like

So beat it - just get out of my house!

Beat it, beat it!

The Gaunts will never be defeated!

The oldest family for miles around,

We're the most powerful people in town

So beat it, beat it!

Don't you make me repeat it!

You, useless daughter - pick up that pan!

You, mister Ogden - you can just scram!

Just beat it, beat it!

It was only while the musical intro sizzled into action that Bob Ogden noticed another person in the room beside Gaunt and his son - his daughter. Harry and Dumbledore noticed her too; she was shrivelled and ragged, weak and unable to use her magic properly, and watching her gave Harry a feeling of immense pity. Unfortunately, it seemed her father didn't feel the same.

(Gaunt)

Beat it, beat it!

Don't you think I don't mean it!

(Ogden)

You're a bad wizard, and a bad dad!

Look at your daughter, she's going mad!

(Gaunt)

Just beat it! Beat it!

Don't you make me repeat it!

None of your business, protecting my land.

Merope shouldn't be watching that man!

You beat it, beat it!

You can take your 'law' and eat it!

Morfin's my boy and he'll do what he likes,

You, Mister Ogden, can get on your bike!

Just beat it, beat it!

But Ogden's efforts only seemed to enrage the Gaunts further, and eventually, Harry and Dumbledore witnessed him hurtling out of the house, pursued by Morfin holding a bloody knife.

"Whew," Harry said as they arrived back in Dumbledore's office; he looked outside and saw that it was already dark, yet it seemed that the lesson was not quite finished. Through another hour of discussion, Harry learnt that Merope, the shrivelled daughter, was actually Voldemort's mother, and that the Gaunt family were the last descendents of none other than Slytherin. With all of this buzzing in his brain, Harry returned to his dormitory, still feeling an unbidden well of pity for the poor girl.


End file.
